The Messy Bun of Gods Grace

Gods grace is a beautiful mystery.

A mystery that we can’t fully understand but, can always count on. 

Awhile back, I told God that I wanted to understand His grace better and needed His help to accept it even though I didn’t fully get it.   

And here’s how He did it. 

You see, God knew what I was going to pray a few years before I ever brought it up to Him so, our journey of grace discovery began way back when – when I had a strong desire for curly hair. 

I distinctly remember the moment of wanting curly hair. It was as if God had that desire ready and placed it securely with His index finger somewhere deep within my heart.

After 8 or 9 years of straightening my hair, dying it every color from blonde/red to blonde/dark brown to brunette (for a short time), back to blonde to bleach blonde, I wondered how strange that desire was – because I knew that I had completely ruined my hair.

“With so much damage, how could I ever have curly hair? “ I wondered.

Fast forward a few months and a blonde at the time, my desire to be blonde had faded away, replaced with an unusual desire for my natural brunette hair color (according to my roots). As I walked into the salon a blonde, I walked out as a brunette with a few low lights to keep me from going into some kind of shock –

and short hair. 

Having always had longer hair with the exception of two shorter cuts throughout my life, that I despised, a short haired desire made it’s way into my heart. Looking back on it now, it was God leading me to cut away the dead hair to allow the new hair to grow. And new hair grew indeed – about 7 inches worth of what looked like a balayage gone side ways & 3 inches of dead ends. About a year or so later, a desire to cut my hair extremely short creeped in. I left the salon cutting off those 10 inches with new waves peeping through my roots that led the stylist to ask if I had wavy hair. I remember having a big grin on my face, wondering how in the world that was even possible.

“Could I have curly hair?”  I thought.

With my hope growing, I began trying to replace heat with curly hair products and it was an absolute disaster. I had new cowlicks, new kinks, random frizz, random curls, random waves, and honestly, just a huge mess that was weighed down with the wrong shampoos and conditioners. After giving up and losing hope, I started wearing my hair up in a messy bun that also failed me 6 months later. I began to get severe headaches and an extremely sensitive scalp that kept me from keeping my hair up for more than a couple of minutes at a time. I tried claw clips and they always failed me, never wanting to reveal the mysterious single strand of hair that causes excruciating pain when pulled back. My messy buns were my go tos and now, I couldn’t imagine what to do or where to start.

Those painful messy buns led me to begin wearing my hair down again – with the awkward kinks, random curls, and even more random strands of straight hair – all while fighting oily hair that continued to get worse no matter how often or lease often I would shampoo and condition. Before you start thinking about dry shampoo, that failed me too.

Needless to say, I wanted to scream. I was done. I couldn’t straighten it. I couldn’t let it air dry. I couldn’t find the correct products. I couldn’t wear it up. I couldn’t blow dry it. And I really couldn’t take it. So, I tried my luck with a diffuser and it was amazing… because it didn’t work. 

So, I finally prayed. “Lord, I don’t know what to do and I don’t know what I’m doing. Please lead me to the right products and please bring out my natural hair if it’s curly.” In Jesus’ name, of course!

A few weeks later, my husband and I traveled home for the weekend and God began to do His thing. My mother in law has gorgeous wavy hair that I had never seen before and had to know what products she used. After finding one of the brands and starting to use them, I became astonished at what my hair began to do. My jaw literally dropped. So, I gave my diffuser another shot and it was like I had someone else’s head of hair. I couldn’t believe the volume, the curls, and the lack of grease that I had. The Lord led me to a few tips and tricks that I had missed, the proper vitamins, nutrition, and exercise and voila, THE CURLS YA’LL, THE CURLS.

The curls that I have never had, in my whole life, but the same ones that were placed securely on my heart by God a few years back.

“It is possible,” I said to myself in disbelief.

My hair is no where near perfect, my hair is still healing from the years of damage, and ya girl is still learning how to use a diffuser without blowing my hair straight into my eyeballs but, each day is more exciting because new curls reveal themselves. 

I’m so grateful for those painful messy buns.

As I was driving to work, smiling at the curls that I now have – I started thinking about all the damage that I had done to my hair, all the mistakes that I had made with it and wondered how God could give me such beautiful hair that I absolutely love after years of hating and completely destroying the hair that he had already given me. And then it hit me, 

“Now that, that’s grace.” 

It was like being hit with a ton of bricks and a lightbulb going off all at the same time, because I finally understood grace. 

This is what got me – no matter what I had done to my hair, how many times I tried to change it, how much damage I had done, and how much I hated it, God was not offended by me or my actions. He wasn’t waiting for me to come to Him so that He could teach me a lesson about appreciating all that He has given me. No. He was compassionate and heart broken because I couldn’t see all that He could see. I couldn’t see myself the way that He sees me. He could see that it wasn’t the hair that I hated but, that it wasn’t something that could help shield me from bullies or being called ugly. He saw through my actions to the broken heart that He was already planning to mend years down the road. He couldn’t wait to for me to open my heart to the possibility of His grace so that He could show me what He sees rather than what shame made me see.

Grace is not because of us. It is not a reward for doing good works or something that we earn. It is not because of our efforts or lack there of. It is not in His hand waiting for us to be perfect enough to receive it. It is not because God feels sorry for us and it is not some sort of bribe. 

Grace is Gods favor and faithfulness through the blood of Jesus Christ.

2 Corinthians 12:9; 

“And He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my strength is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” 

I could never understand why I was never able to find those very painful mysterious pieces of hair any time that I threw my hair up but, I know now that without them, I would have never allowed God to reveal the curls and my view of grace would still be fuzzy.

With every frustrating day of wishing we looked like “those other girls,” every time we’re called ugly, every wrong product we use, every strand we damage, every time we reject or hate that something that we were born with, or when we just can’t get it right, know that the grace of God is intricately woven through every painful thing that we don’t understand. Always with you, waiting for you to give up on your messy bun to give you those desires He placed in your heart so long ago, those desires that have been renewed.

God is standing with us, full of compassion – whispering to us that because we are made in His image, we are exquisite. 

He has prepared that path for us and is ready to walk those steps with us, having already prepared those curls to peep through.

Every messy bun is already a masterpiece to Him, no matter how messy it may be. 

But, it’s time to let it down so, He’ll have room to show you those new curls.

XOXO,

T. S.

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